I have created this guide as I have seen this problem happening quite a lot. As such, I looked at what would be good solutions for escaping an abusive relationship.
The solutions listed are just some of the potential solutions existing and they also are not exhaustive. As such, if anyone has proposals for modifications or addons, please use the pull request or message me.
One of the important points, each situation is different, and this guide is trying to be as generic as possible. So you will have to adapt it to the timeframe that you have. The less time you have to prepare the more you will have to leave behind for your security I would personally suggest having between one to two weeks between the decision and the final exit. You will have to be the judge of that depending on how you feel your life is at risk.
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No use of social media for the period.
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Remove location to all WA, Line, Messenger, ...
Best way is to have a new phone, with new SIM card as you can’t trust the devices that have been in your parents reach. This new phone should be hidden from the parents at all time and should stay on you physically hidden at all time. The new phone and new SIM card should be bought under another name and not with your bank account/card, (Example parents of a friend or friend) but not the boyfriend or his family as this is the first name they will check if they search for the number.
If you can’t change the phone follow the described steps.
- Remove the SD Card and don’t use this one. Buy a new one but don’t put it in the phone until you did everything listed here.
- Save your photos and contacts to your hard drive.
- Create a new google account. But this account should be created with a computer in a Cyber coffee or a friend computer, that has no link to the families. Also during the creation of this account, don’t use your normal email or phone as recovery, don’t use your name, and never send email from your normal personal / work email to this one. Use it exclusively for setting up that phone. If you need to transfer emails to this, use a third-party email as a proxy. (Normal Email -> Proxy Email -> New email) The proxy could be a trusted friend email or a temporary email service such as https://www.guerrillamail.com/
- If you know how to do it the best would be to completely reinstall the phone ROM. (Some shops also can do it for you). Otherwise do a factory reset of the phone.
- Now use the new email to set up the phone
- Put the new SD card
- Turn off GPS when not needed.
- Create a new ride/food app Foodora/Uber/GOJEK/Grab accounts. And never send money to them from your bank account or a previous account.
- Do not install Facebook, Instagram, or any social media previously used.
- Install WhatsApp or any communication software needed but not Facebook messenger.
- In settings > Privacy block the localisation for all communication software, to ensure not to be tracked.
- The best would be to create new communication accounts (WA, Line, ...) to ensure you control who can find you on those accounts.
Steps are the same, without the SD card part. You can directly do the factory reset. And you need new ICloud account.
!!!!! WARNINGS !!!!!! - Do not publish on social media, any public website or send to your family photos taken from your phone as they contain your localisation.
If it has stayed at your parent place and you even for 10 minutes haven’t been close it, threat it as a spying device. You never know what they could have installed on it.
Ask your IT to do a virus check and réinstallation of it. They should have the proper tools.
Consider it difficult to clean. The best way is full formatting and reinstall of the PC. (Can be done by a shop if not able to do it yourself) But I would consider just letting that laptop at the parents home and just backup on an external drive all necessary information.
Go to recovery mode (https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT201255) and do a clean installation. You will lose all your data on the hard drive so had a backup done before. DO NOT USE TIME MACHINE TO BACKUP OR RESTORE DO NOT USE THE OLD ICLOUD ACCOUNT TO SETUP, USE A NEW ONE CREATED BEFORE IF YOU HAVE AN IPHONE.
Threat any external hard drive as a potential attack vector for your computer. As such you should do a virus scan of those disks. The virus scans should be done on another machine. Preferably a cyber coffee shop. If the coffee shop doesn’t have an antivirus you can use the following: https://www.trendmicro.com/en_nz/forHome/products/housecall.html
If you don’t have a cyber coffee, use a computer that can be offline and which already have an up to date antivirus. - Update the antivirus and database - If you don’t have an antivirus, use this: https://www.avast.com/free-antivirus-download - When the antivirus is installed and updated put your computer offline. - Plug the hard drive in - And launch a full virus scan of the hard drive
After you backup, any data to your hard drive from a not trusted source, do the virus check steps again before connecting it to the laptop we just secured.
First, you should preferably do it from cyber coffee. And on that there are some rules: Don’t go to the same each time, don’t give them your real identity, and don’t take one close to where you live or work.
If you have to do it from your laptops here are the rules. Install a VPN and turn it on. You can use https://1.1.1.1/ it is free and works nearly everywhere in the world. Use incognito mode with a browser like Firefox, that you have installed and setup following this setup guide (https://proprivacy.com/privacy-service/guides/firefox-privacy-security-guide)
In case your abuser knows how to access your accounts, create new usernames and passwords for your email, IM, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don’t think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can’t guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).
If you follow the previous steps you should be on the clear regarding tracking and spying.
When you leave the house it means also leaving your belongings. And you don't have a lot of time to prepare, from 24h to 3 weeks depending on the situation.
Each time you go out for the next day, put in your bag clothes and important documents that you will need for your life. Prioritize the most important first, like documents, clothes could be bought. And store that in a safe place, boyfriend, friends, ... Do not take too much each time and calculate how much you can take before the exit date that you fixed yourself. You don't want him/them to discover what you are doing or to be suspicious.
If you think it will be too visible and they will be suspicious, do the following.
- Get the important paperwork/pictures out first. (Do not leave anything that could be used as leverage later, such as ID, passports, registry, birth certificate, ...)
- And prepare a set of clothes that you will put in the bag on the exit day when you will leave the home.
Do not forget belongings are less important than your life
There are several strategies to prepare the exit day, here is a selection of them:
Tell your parents you are sleeping at your friend place, this will explain the bag with you. This is an easy way to justify the bag and the clothes, but must abuse case they will be doubtful and might not allow it.
If you do sport, then tell your parents you are going to sport and take the bag you prepared. If you don't do sport, you can start telling them early that you would like to try classes at the gym and that you are thinking of doing a trial. Then 1 or 2 days before tell them you will do a trial the exit day.
If you work, you can use this as an excuse and get clothes out in your work bag for several days, until your exit day. Do not keep your clothes at work, as he/they will know the place and will search for you there for sure.
If you see the situation is critical and you need an exit now. Don't wait for, just say you need to do some food shopping or anything of the sort and escape.
Find a place you can rent by months, somewhere far from where you normally leave, and where there is no person linked to the abuser(s). Rent it either by cash or by a friend but do not give any of your information. Also preferably use a fake name, so if they ask for you there, the owner will not know that name. Do not meet your boyfriend or anyone there ! You should tell the location to trusted people, but don't forget they could be followed, so if they meet you there, there is a chance that this location could be revealed.
Sorry to say that but for the time being, you will have to not go to work. The abuser(s) knows where it is and he/they can come for you there. In countries like Indonesia until you are married you are the responsibility of your parents which give them all rights over you. And then when you are married it is the same for your husband. So when you want to escape from those situations you need to understand that you can go to places you were regularly at, as they will expect you there. So your solution is to either not go to work for the period you need to change the situation or to quit your job.
Your bank accounts are done for. Sorry to say that, but they know them so you can't use them. They can be used by the police or anyone that can have access to them to trace you. But there are several steps you can do to counter that.
- Open a new bank account in another bank
- Withdraw all your money in cash and bring it to the new bank.
- Avoid paying with your card if it is not an emergency. That could give your location later on.
- Withdraw cash for your needs once a week, preferably at an ATM in a random location in the street, (like a convenient store), far from your living place. This will make it quite difficult to trace you.
Another option is to put that money in your Boyfriend account. He could get a card for you and this will make it confusing and difficult to trace.
If they don't know where you are, they will either wait for you at places where you normally go or follow the people close to you. So each of those people and you should know how to detect if you are followed and what to do in this case. I would recommend looking at this video as a start https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhxS9v0_svI Do not forget, you can't always trust the police, as they will comply with the local laws.
- Defined Exit date
- Planned bag strategy
- Secure phone
- Secure computer(s)
- Bank accounts
- Housing
- Handled work situation
- Have emergency contacts in case anything happens on fast dial
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